At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown.

Whenever I see an old lady slips and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.