Funny Quotes and Sayings

Posted by Brian

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else! (by Yogi Berra)

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. (by Louis Hector Berlioz)

Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front? (by Calvin and Hobbes)

Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. (by Lisa Hoffman)

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. (by Paul Getty)

A rich man’s joke is always funny

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. (by Robert Bloch)

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. (by Winston Churchill)

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (by Clarence Darrow)

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority. (by Ellen Glascow)

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (by Groucho Marx)

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

A great many people have a soldier’s stomach – everything they eat goes to the front.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Lifes Tough, get a helmet!

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. (by General William Westmoreland)

I never think of the future – it comes soon enough. (by Albert Einstein)

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. (by Albert Einstein)


  • keith west said:

    Hey! I’ve been looking for a site that has some good information on funny cats and dogs. I was searching around on Google and your post regarding Quotes and Sayings | Sayings and Quotes caught my attention .. Good info thanks

  • whitney Miles said:

    i been wanting to see some weed poems that are good or poems about drinking and driving

  • binchen said:

    I think drinking and driving is just terrible! You always spill everything when you change lanes on the freeway …

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