George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian. He was also an actor and author, and he won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

Gorge Carlin Quotes and Sayings

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
- Gorge Carlin

Always do whatever’s next.
- Gorge Carlin

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
- Gorge Carlin

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
- Gorge Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
- Gorge Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
- Gorge Carlin

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
- Gorge Carlin

“No comment” is a comment.
- Gorge Carlin

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
- Gorge Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- Gorge Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
- Gorge Carlin

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- Gorge Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
- Gorge Carlin

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
- Gorge Carlin

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- Gorge Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- Gorge Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
- Gorge Carlin

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
- Gorge Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
- Gorge Carlin

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
- Gorge Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Gorge Carlin

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
- Gorge Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
- Gorge Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- Gorge Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- Gorge Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- Gorge Carlin

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- Gorge Carlin

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
- Gorge Carlin