Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
- Groucho Marx

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?
- Groucho Marx

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx

You’ve got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She’s come to talk over some old family matters.
- Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
- Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.
- Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
- Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
- Groucho Marx

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.
- Groucho Marx

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- Groucho Marx

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
- Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
- Groucho Marx

I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
- Groucho Marx

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
- Groucho Marx