I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.

You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.  ~Conan O’Brien, 2003

Man was predestined to have free will.  ~Hal Lee Luyah

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.  ~Douglas Adams

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ~Robert Graves

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.  ~Jerry Seinfeld

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  ~From the movie Naked

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. ~Ogden Nash

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?  ~Author Unknown

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.  ~William Castle

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  ~Jack Benny

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston Churchill

Murphy was an optimist.  ~O’Toole’s Commentary

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O’Rourke

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.  ~Jack Handey

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown