A fool and his money are soon partying.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
One …

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.
Before you criticize others, you should walk a mile in their shoes. Now when you criticize them, you see you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults, but having faults different from your own.
Don’t pay any attention to the critics-don’t even ignore them.
I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all …

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.
Duct tape is like …

Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet
fired from my gun.
Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in
monkey poop.
I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your
bail.
If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
I’m glad to hear the …